The Demon of Sexual Assault

This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind, but only now have I had the time to write about it.

Most often when people hear the words "sexual assault" they think of rape. One might automatically picture a stranger jumping out of the bushes to rape a woman walking home from work late at night. 

While it is true that rape by a stranger is a form of sexual assault, it is vital to include the wide range of unwanted sexual contacts that many people experience in our definition of these words. Sexual assault can include child sexual abuse, rape, attempted rape, incest, exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, fondling, and sexual harassment. There is a range of nonconsensual sexual acts that create a continuum in which each form of sexual assault is linked to the others by their root causes, as well as by the effects they have on individuals and communities. While sexual assault can take many forms, it is important to remember that the loss of power and control that a victim of sexual assault experiences is a common thread. 

Child sexual abuse can be defined as any situation in which an adult or another child threatens, forces or manipulates a child into sexual activity. Many times the offender doesn't need to use physical force with the victim. Instead, they take advantage of their own position of trust and authority. Child sexual abuse can include exposing a child to pornography, fondling the sexual parts of a child's body, making a child engage in sexual activity with others, and sexually penetrating a child, orally, anally or vaginally with the penis, hand or any object. Incest is intercourse or touching of sexual parts between an adult family member and a child or between siblings. Incest is very common and little-talked-about in our environment. It can occur between nuclear(eg father and daughter) or extended(uncle and niece) family members.

Rape is any sexual intercourse with a person without his or her consent. It is an act of violence that uses sex as a weapon. There are many different types of rape that are important to distinguish as well. Stranger rape happens when the victim does not know his or her offender. Many people believe that this type of rape only happens to women who dress a certain way, walk alone at night, or hang out in the wrong places. The reality of stranger rape is that it happens during the day and at night, to people from all different walks of life, and in lots of different places. 

Acquaintance rape describes a rape in which the victim and the perpetrator are known to each other. The perpetrator might be a partner, coworker, best friend or neighbor. Did you know that this is the most common type of rape? 84 percent of rapes happen among people who know one another. Most of the time a person is raped by someone they know, trust, or love. 

Date rape is a specific kind of acquaintance rape, referring to a rape that occurs between two people who are dating partners. Often times the victim is emotionally manipulated or coerced into having sex with his or her partner. Marital rape, one of the least talked about forms of sexual assault, is rape between spouses. Because of personal and societal barriers to reporting marital rape, its prevalence is probably higher than we are aware. 

Sexual harassment is any unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. Sexual harassment often manifests itself in subtle ways, such as sexually suggestive comments, unwanted touching, risqué jokes, or blatant demand for sexual contact. In most cases, these actions take place within work or educational settings where both the offender and the victim are required to be in close contact. 

There are many types of sexual assault. It is important to understand the differences between them, as well as how they are linked together. Unfortunately, because of the silence that surrounds sexual assault, there have been many myths created over time to help explain why it happens and who it happens to. We often hear things like "only women can be raped", "a husband can't rape his wife", "she asked for it by wearing that short/tight dress", and "that child must be lying - his father is a good man." We know that these things are not true. Both women and men can be sexually assaulted. Rape can occur within a marriage. A victim never asks to be raped and is never to blame for behavior of the perpetrator. People who sexually assault are often people who go to church, have good jobs, and are well liked by their community. 

Common Effects of Sexual Assault 

Victims of sexual assault often experience a number of common effects. These may include: 

• Flashbacks 
• Nightmares 
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep 
• Anger and rage 
• Difficulty concentrating 
• Hypervigilence 
• Anxiety and panic 
• Self-blame, guilt, and shame 
• Emotional numbing 
• Physical symptoms and health problems 

What to Do if Someone You Know is Sexually Assaulted  

• Believe them. A person has very little to gain by making up a story about sexual assault. 
• Listen to them. A victim of sexual assault needs someone who will listen to what they have to say without blame or judgment. 
• Do not tell them what to do. A person who has been sexually assaulted has had every ounce of power and control stripped from them. They only way they are going to gain that power back is by making decisions for themselves. 
• Give them information, provide them options, but don't tell them what to do. A good place to start is a sexual assault Center. In Nigeria we have the Partnership for Justice www.pjnigeria.org which has handled many cases of sexual assault. There are many other organisations who are waiting to help victims of sexual abuse as much as they will let them.  There is also new legislation that can lock away sexual offenders for a long time.
  If you are a victim of sexual abuse, you are not alone and YOU CAN GET HELP. Speak up and make a difference.
  
  

What Is Sexual Addiction?

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls(yes, that too), child molestation or rape.

Sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders. Moreover, not all sex offenders are sex addicts. Roughly 55 percent of convicted sex offenders can be considered sex addicts. 

About 71 percent of child molesters are sex addicts. For many, their problems are so severe that imprisonment is the only way to ensure society’s safety against them. 

Society has accepted that sex offenders act not for sexual gratification, but rather out of a disturbed need for power, dominance, control or revenge, or a perverted expression of anger. More recently, however, an awareness of brain changes and brain reward associated with sexual behavior has led us to understand that there are also powerful sexual drives that motivate sex offenses. 

Sexual addiction has been more recently defined as engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others. In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest. 

Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, high class prostitution(runs) and computer pornography. 

The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions also is typical of sex addiction. But these other addictions, including drug, alcohol and gambling dependency, involve substances or activities with no necessary relationship to our survival. For example, we can live normal and happy lives without ever gambling, taking illicit drugs or drinking alcohol. Even the most genetically vulnerable person will function well without ever being exposed to, or provoked by, these addictive activities. 

Sexual activity is different. Like eating, having sex is necessary for human survival. Although some people are celibate — some not by choice, while others choose celibacy for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans have a strong desire for sex. In fact, lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric illness.

The 10 Most Common STDs

It’s interesting that sexually transmitted diseases are so prevalent—particularly when you consider that you have to get pretty up close and personal to contract one. An STD is characterized by any disease that is spread by one partner to another via sexual contact, and that can be orally, vaginally, anally, or via hand to genital contact. Regardless, they are spread when one partner passes the disease-causing organism on to the other. Obviously, preventing STD transmission is first and foremost by practicing safe sex. However, if you think you might have contracted one of the most common STDs, recognizing the disease is imperative for swift treatment and further spreading.

Here are ten common STDs and the primary symptoms associated with each infection

1. Gonorrhea

Gonorrhea is the most prevalent STD in Nigeria. In fact, in 1963, the WHO found Lagos to have the highest gonorrhea rate in the world. Recent surveys estimate the prevalence to be about 28.1%. Other studies show a clear connection between gonorrhea and make and female infertility. This long-term STD that is spread bacterially, affecting a female’s cervix, a male’s urethra, or the throat in both sexes, which means that it’s transmitted by vaginal, oral, and anal sex. The symptoms of gonorrhea are pretty subtle; the most noticeable being burning when urinating or a yellowish penile discharge in men.

2. Hepatitis

Sexually transmitted hepatitis is hepatitis B (or HBV), which is a very common and deadly disease, even though there is a vaccine. If left untreated, a Hep B infection will scar and damage the liver, causing cirrhosis and liver cancer. Unfortunately, over half of those affected show no symptoms, but those who do suffer muscle pain and fatigue, yellowing of the eyes (or jaundice), nausea, and later on a distended stomach. There are several routes of transmission, but in many parts of Nigeria unprotected sexual intercourse and having multiple partners has been implicated.

3. Syphilis

Syphilis is a particularly sneaky STD that caused by a type bacterial infection of the genital tract, known as Treponema Pallidum. Syphilis is transmitted when direct contact is made between the small, painless sores on the mouth, rectum, vagina, or around the genitals in areas not protected by latex condoms. It can also be transmitted via infected mother to her baby during pregnancy. When there are no sores, the disease is still present. Syphilis symptoms are rare, however, the most telling are sores or lesions on and around the genitals, as well as hair loss, sore throat, fever; headache; and a white patchy skin rash.

4. Chlamydia

Like Gonorrhea, Chlamydia affects a man’s penile urethra and a woman’s cervix. However, oftentimes those who’ve contracted Chlamydia don’t show symptoms for months or even years, which explains why it’s the most common and rampant STD. If you do show symptoms, you’ll feel pain during intercourse and have a discolored, thick discharge from the vagina or penis. Transmitted via sexual penetration with an affected partner, using latex condoms can prevent transmission of this curable STD.

5. Crabs

If you feel a creepy-crawly, itchy sensation in your genitals, you may have crabs (or public lice). They show themselves as visible eggs or lice in the coarse hair of the genital region (even if you shave it off), and they can spread to the armpits and eyebrows if left untreated. Typically transmitted via sexual contact, crabs can also be passed via contact with infested linens or clothing.

6. Human Papilloma Virus

Human Papilloma Virus (or HPV) is currently the most wide spread STD. It affects roughly three-quarters of the sexually active population and a staggering one-quarter of sexually active women, which is why there is a vaccine to protect young women from certain types of HPV that are linked to genital warts and cervical cancer. HPV is transmitted through genital contact—via vaginal and anal sex, and also oral sex and genital-to-genital contact. Most times HPV doesn’t show any symptoms until it’s far advanced, but genital warts are common.

7. Bacterial Vaginosis

Bacterial Vaginosis, or BV, is not always considered an STD even though it typically afflicts those of child-bearing age with multiple or new sex partners. BV occurs when healthy bacteria in the vagina overgrow and become imbalanced, causing burning and itching around the vagina and a thick, grey discharge with a strong fishy odor. Antibiotics will quickly clear up bouts of BV, but it can reoccur, leaving the victim prone to pelvic inflammatory disease, other STDs, and premature births (if pregnant).

8. Herpes

Painful sores or lesions on your mouth or genitals may indicate herpes, a viral STD that comes in two forms HSV1 (herpes of the mouth) and HSV2 (herpes of the genitals). Herpes is transmitted skin-to-skin—for instance, from genital to genital, mouth to genital, or mouth to mouth contact with an infected individual, even when they don’t have visible sores. Even though herpes symptoms be treated with antibiotics, the virus never goes away and reoccurs typically 2 to 4 times per year.

9. Trichomoniasis

Trichomoniasis, or “trich”, often masks itself as a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis (BV) in women with similar symptoms—including a thick, grey discharge, offensive vaginal odor, pain or burning intercourse, and itchiness. A parasitic trichomonas vaginalis infection affects the urethra and the vagina in women. It can be transmitted back and forth between sex partners (man to woman and woman to woman) via vaginal intercourse and contact. However, most men typically don’t have any symptoms.

10. HIV

HIV is transmitted via the exchange of body fluids—such as semen, vaginal secretions, blood, or breast milk. Within a month or 2 of contracting HIV, about 40 to 90-percent of those afflicted suffer from flu-like symptoms including fever, fatigue, achy muscles, swollen lymph glands, sore throat, headache, skin rash, dry cough, nausea, rapid weight loss, night sweats, frequent yeast infections (for women), cold sores, and eventually, pneumonia. Luckily, many individuals who are diagnosed early can live a long, productive life with HIV thanks to a combination of highly active anti-retroviral drug therapy, which prevents to progression to AIDS.

Here we see that many of these conditions have few to no symptoms. So get tested and treated and live a long and productive life.

Sex Mistakes Women Make Part 2

Earlier today we talked about some mistakes women make in the bedroom. Here are some more:

Sex Mistake #6: Surprising him with something wild. If you want to take a walk on the wild side, talk first. Massages, first time felatios and ear-tonguing(if there's a word like that) make great surprises. Blindfolds, handcuffs and kobokos do not. I'm sure you get the idea.

Sex Mistake #7: Saying someone else’s name.Good luck getting out of this one. You’ll be offering a lot of unreciprocated oral sex and cooking plenty p/yam and Ogbono soup to dig yourself out of that hole.
Of course, that may depend whose name you screamed out – RMD's or your ex’s – especially if your current partner wonders if you’re really over the ex.

Sex Mistake #8: Not disclosing you have an STD.Now this is serious, and both sexes are very guilty of it. They are scared of rejection so they keep mum, figuring they don’t have to volunteer the information if their partners don’t inquire.
Remember: Condoms aren’t 100% effective at blocking STDs; for example, herpes can be transmitted even when a condom is used.
If you’re the one receiving this information, be compassionate and do not react with disdain. This is not to say that you should proceed with sex. 

Step back and assess your health risk and comfort level, then decide if you want to take it further.

Sex Mistake #9: Analyzing his equipment malfunction.
This happens to every guy, but it’s still an awkward moment for both. Unless it happens very regularly don’t make a big deal about. Avoid talking about why men go flat and can't satisfy their women and all that because it will only make the situation worse. Instead engage in other activities that don't require an erection. 

In summary, don't sweat the small stuff, communicate and have fun.

Sex Mistakes Women Make

Think you know everything about sex? Unfortunately, there’s lots of room for error when it comes to matters of the body. Do you obsess about how you look? Too embarrassed to give him directions? Not open to trying new things? Here are some of the mistakes you’re making.

Sex Mistake #1: Assuming he’s always up for sex. This might hold true for teenage boys, but not men. Once men hit their mid-20s, many things compete for their energy. Work pressures, responsibilities and everyday life can dampen the libido. If he’s not into it, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you anymore. He truly may not be in the mood.

Sex Mistake #2:Thinking sex ends when he climaxes.Just because he’s fulfilled doesn’t mean you are. Let him know you haven’t finished and help him find ways to get you there with his hands or mouth*double wink*.
If he’s consistently too tired to give you the attention you deserve, have your needs met before his own next time.

Sex Mistake #3: Obsessing about your bodyYou're not exactly excited about the numbers on the scale… so what? Putting on weight is no excuse for avoiding sex.
Or maybe your weight is fine, but you’re fixating on another flaw. Guess what? If he wants to have sex with you, he thinks you’re sexy.

If your self-image is hindering your sex life, consult a therapist(not too many around but they exist), read a motivational book or visit blogs like this one. Remember knowledge is power(and confidence).

Sex Mistake #4: Not giving him any guidance.Pleasing a woman is no easy task, so help him out. Give him explicit directions – when, where, how hard, how fast and more.
If you’re too embarrassed to cue him verbally, find another way. For example, if you’re watching a sex scene in a movie(I didn't say porn), say something like, “I like how he does that” or “That doesn’t do it for me.”
Or bookmark pages in a sex book and ask him to read them. Or let out a moan when he does something that pleases you. I always tell friends and patients this: when it comes to sex, communication is key.

Sex Mistake #5: Overreacting when he suggests something new.
I'm sure I've talked about this somewhere else on this blog. Most of us do the same thing day in and day out. And whether it’s in the bedroom or the boardroom, routine can get boring. Men like looking at, trying out and experimenting with new things.
There’s nothing wrong about it. Suggesting something new is not a criticism of you. It’s simply a craving for variety. So have an open mind.

I'm off to work now. We'll talk about more mistakes women make in the bedroom later in the day. Ciao!

the Risks of Having Multiple Sex Partners

As new diseases crop up and research gives light to more concerns, the risks of having multiple sex partners are increasing. You may find sex enjoyable and want new experiences. Or perhaps you aren't currently in a relationship but want sexual satisfaction. This is normal...but it can also be dangerous. It is important to take safety precautions, such as condom use and regular medical testing, to avoid the following risks.

Pubic Lice. Pubic lice are similar to head lice and live in pubic hair. They bite the skin and suck out blood, causing itching, and general discomfort. Many times the pubic hair must be shaved as part of the treatment.

Urinary Tract Infections. Urinary tract infections aren't considered a sexually transmitted infection, but they are more common in someone with multiple sex partners. Symptoms typically include a burning type pain during urination, as well as rectal pain in men and pelvic pain in women.

Syphilis. Syphilis starts off as a single sore on the genital area. If left untreated, it can cause catastrophic complications including aortic aneurysm, blindness, and irreversible brain damage.

Chlamydia. Chlamydia infects 50 million new people worldwide each year. Symptoms typical of chlamydia are discharge and painful urination. Men often time don't have any symptoms and so the infection goes untreated, which can lead to complications later on in life.

Gonorrhea. Gonorrhea is a bacterial sexually transmitted infection. It can cause even more severe symptoms than other STDs, especially abdominal pain, fever, and sepsis. The biggest risk factor in getting gonorrhea is having multiple sex partners.

Genital Herpes. Herpes causes painful sores to erupt on the genitals. There is no cure for herpes and recurrent break outs throughout life are common. Some people may have as many as three breakouts per year. Sores do not have to be present for the infection to spread, so it's hard to know if someone you're having sex with has this virus.

Hepatitis C. Having multiple sex partners significantly increases your risk of contracting a serious whole body infection. This is an infection that is not confined to the genital. The most common disease in this category is Hepatitis C. Hepatitis C is a viral infection that damages the liver. It is the number one cause of liver transplantation in the United States, a major risk factor for both liver scarring and liver cancer, and can only be cured in 50 percent of affected people. The treatment is painful and intensive. Pills and shots are given. The treatment has many side effects, specifically fatigue, nausea, anemia, and headache.

HIV. HIV is the incurable virus that causes AIDS. It attacks the body's immune system, eventually causing the body to become unable to protect itself against infection and cancer. Death is the end result, and is usually due to an infection which the body was unable to fight off. An estimated 33 million people currently have it. A study done by the The Center For AIDS Prevention Studies in San Francisco, California found having multiple sex partners to be the leading cause of HIV infection, surpassing bisexuality and I.V. drug use.

Cancer. Undetected STIs can cause cancer in both sexes. Men with multiple sex partners are three times more likely to get prostate cancer, due to Trichomonas vaginalis. This is the most common non viral STI with over 170 million cases seen annually. The infection is not symptomatic in men so most men don't get treated. The continuous inflammation in the prostate can lead to prostate cancer. In women, cervical cancer is common and is due to the Human Papillomavirus, or HPV.

Infertility. Scarring from untreated infections can also lead to infertility in both men and women. Infertility due to infection is usually a result of the inability of fertilization to occur. In men, the scarring narrows the passageway through which the sperm come out. This causes a blockage and sperm remain trapped in the man's body. In women, cervical scarring makes it difficult for sperm to get to the egg. Cervical scarring is also connected to miscarriage. Because having multiple sex partners increases the risk of catching an infection, it is considered a risk factor for infertility.

Remember the ABCs

Abstinence

Be Faithful

Condomize

Health Benefits of Morning Sex

What is the best cardio workout in the morning? Hint: Everyone secretly wishes it was the only exercise needed to keep fit. Studies show that three rounds of morning sex a day will give you a healthy heart. Surprising? Here's a list of the health benefits of morning sex...

1) Improves blood circulation therefore reducing blood pressure.

2) Flushes out 300 calories an hour, reducing your chances of diabetes.

3) You don’t have to worry about migraine.

4) Joint pains especially arthritis will ease.

5) Sex without condoms will leave you happier and ward off depression.

6) Natural glow is what we are looking for, this could be your answer.

7) The release of hormones guarantees silky shining hair.

8) Sexual anxiety takes a backseat, nothing can bring you down.

9) Improves your immunity by increasing the production of antibody IgA.

10) Men can last longer, since they're fresh from a night's rest.

11) A great way to wake up and energise yourself.

Point to note for women: After a good night's sleep, the testosterone levels in men spike. And when high, it converts to sexual feelings.

Point to note for men: Keep protection at arm’s length(only with your trusted partner!)