5 Biggest Reasons Women Don't Enjoy Sex

First off I want to wish my readers a Merry Christmas, in arrears, and a happy and prosperous New Year. Today we will talk about why some women struggle to enjoy sex. It’s a common issue and also a complicated one because the reasons for these feelings can vary widely from one woman to another. It can be a physical issue, a psychological issue, or both. And it can make women and their partners feel isolated or less connected, so it’s important to address these issues.

What doctors call Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD) can fall into five types of problems:

1. Low libido, or what doctors refer to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD).
2. Painful sex. This can include pain during sex due to menopausal vulvo-vaginal atrophy resulting from a lack of hormones as well as a burning pain syndrome of the genitals.
3. Difficulty being aroused. Sexual Arousal Disorder can originate in the genital area (comparable to erectile dysfunction in men) or an issue at the brain level (which is more common in women).
4. Aversion to sex. Often, this is related to a history of sexual abuse.
5. Inability to achieve orgasm. Up to 10-20 percent of women never achieved orgasm and many others have difficulty. But there are treatments available for this.

It’s important to note that if a woman isn’t bothered by low libido or if she likes intimacy with her partner but simply doesn’t seek it, this isn’t considered a problem. It is normal for women to lose some of their sexual drive as they get older, and much depends on whether or not she considers this an issue.

Treatments for sexual dysfunction

There are a variety of treatments for sexual dysfunction, depending on the root cause of the problem. There are a variety of options, including an oral medication and hormones as well as others that are simply creams or devices that help women feel aroused. Now you all know that I'm going to say: see your doctor first! Now here are a few treatment options your doctor may offer:

• Testosterone - This can effectively treat low libido, however,  much testosterone can lead to acne, hair loss, facial hair growth, aggressiveness and permanent voice changes so stick to the prescription.
• Zestra – Currently, over-the-counter Zestra (a botanical oil to apply to the genitals) is available to enhance a woman’s ability to climax. You can get this from upscale pharmacies in Nigeria.
• Vaginal estrogen – Available as a cream, a tablet or a vaginal ring, and considered the best treatment for genital arousal problems and pain from vulvovaginal atrophy that occurs in many postmenopausal women.

Again, speak with your doctor to find the right treatment for you. There is help for female sexual dysfunction — it’s treatable and there are a variety of treatment options.

Sexual Satisfaction: Quantity vs. Quality

First of all I want to apologise for my disappearing act; it was due to unforeseen circumstances. 

Today we'll be talking about the frequency of sex and it's importance in a relationship.

How often do people have sex? How about married people, single people, or people of certain age groups?

You’ve probably discussed with your friends about how great their sex lives are and how they have regular and unbelievable sex with their partners. And it’s human nature to wonder how your sex life compares.

Today, we’ll take a look at the quantity vs. quality dynamic in human sexuality.

It’s important to remember that sexual frequency varies over the lifespan of the person and the relationship. Couples at the beginning of a relationship may have sex more often than those whose relationship is more established. Older people may have sex less frequently than their younger counterparts.

Remember, too, that “sex” may be defined in many ways. For some, it’s intercourse. For others, activities like oral sex, genital stimulation, caressing, kissing, and cuddling are sexual activities, too, and count as “having sex.”

When people compare themselves to others, they run the risk of feeling inadequate. If everyone else is having more sex than they are, is there something wrong? Are they missing out on something?

Not necessarily. If both partners are happy with their sexual frequency, if their activities satisfy them, then there is no need to worry about what others are doing.

Now let's talk about quality

After having sex with your partner, how do you feel? Satisfied? Connected?

Do you feel like something is missing? Could something be better?

If you’re not feeling satisfied, here are a couple of things to consider:

• Communication. Couples don’t always talk about their sexual relationships. They may have been having sex for years without a single conversation about it. Granted, it’s sometimes awkward, but being open about what pleases you – or doesn’t – can make sex more enjoyable for you both. Perhaps one partner is too tired to have sex at night after a long day's work. Would morning sex be better? Would oral sex be preferable or more exciting? Have fun with the conversation. What fantasies might you share? The discussion may lead to some explorations that bring you closer together as a couple.
• Compromise. Within this discussion, there’s a chance one partner might want something the other doesn’t. This may be a change in frequency: one partner’s libido may be higher than the other’s. It could be trying new activities, such as oral sex or using sex toys. Yes we live in a conservative society, but you must be candid about what appeals to you. Also be willing to compromise if your partner is not on board with your suggestion. This applies in reverse, too. If your partner suggests something you’re not keen about, state your feelings, but see if there’s a something similar that will satisfy you both. Be gentle and caring. If your partner suggests something you don’t want, don’t dismiss it negatively. He or she mustered up some courage to mention it, a sign that he or she trusts you. Keep that trust strong.

What do you think? Is sexual frequency important to you? Do you find yourself comparing your situation to others? How have you and your partner improved the quality of your sexual relationship? Feel free to tell us in the comments.

Can Pornography Improve a Sexual Relationship?

What comes to mind when you think of pornography?

Your first response to that question might be negative. For many of us, the word conjures up “dirty” video clips downloaded from the Internet or those VCDs the CD man would look around before pulling out *wink*.

In other words, for many people, pornography is associated with shame and distaste.  But is that always true?

Some couples find that using pornography together improves their sex lives.

To be clear, we are not talking about pornography that depicts violent sexual acts or any acts that involve children.  Instead, we mean pornography as the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement. For this discussion, we mean couples using porn together to enhance their sex lives together.

Why Use Porn?

There are many reasons to consider using pornography in a sexual relationship.

·         It may add spice.  Sexually explicit images – whether on a screen or in the mind – can simply put couples in the mood.  It can also give them ideas to add to their own sexual repertoire, adding variety and excitement.

·         It can open dialogue.  Many couples feel uncomfortable discussing sex. Pornography may start a conversation each partner may long to have and provide an opportunity to share fantasies.  It might be easier to say, “You know that scene from the story we read last night? Want to try something like that?” than “I want to use handcuffs.”

·         It can help couples understand attraction. It’s human nature to be sexually attracted to someone who isn’t your partner. Using pornography can help one partner understand what attracts the other.  It may also make partner’s less likely to seek sexual variety outside of a committed relationship.

Negotiate

Before using pornography to enhance their sex lives, couples need to be open about their feelings and what they expect.  For some partners, pornography is not acceptable at all.  Others might prefer different types or different amounts.  For example, one partner might enjoy videos while the other prefers reading an erotic novel together.  One might want to watch a pornographic video during foreplay.  Another might want to watch it at a time when the couple is not being sexual.

As with other aspects of sexuality, communication is key.  Discussing when, how, and why to incorporate porn into their sexual experiences is critical to using it well.

Being honest can further a sense of intimacy that will enrich what happens in the bedroom. 

And, once they decide to use porn, partners should quickly address anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. For example, a woman may feel inadequate or worry that her partner is comparing her to a porn character. Her speaking up allows her partner to reassure her.

When Porn Becomes a Problem

While many couples find pornography to be beneficial, it can be a double-edged sword.  Too much pornography can make people have unrealistic expectations of their partners and their sexual activities. Their relationships can start to suffer and they might start to substitute pornography for real-life intimacy.

Pornography can lead to physical problems, too.  For example, men who masturbate while viewing pornography can develop erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation because they need that extra stimulation.  They may find that they need pornography in order to perform with a real-life partner.

If you or your partner has a problem with pornography, help is available.  Your healthcare provider can refer you to the appropriate specialist.

So what do you think? Do you and your partner use pornography to enhance your relationship?  Has it made things better or worse?  Feel free to tell us more in the comments.

Premature Ejaculation

A few days ago I read in the news that Nigerians last the longest in bed. As happy as I was to be reading something positive about my dear country for a change, I couldn't help but shake my head in dismay. In our society, sexual prowess is a big deal and many guys go to extreme lengths to ensure that they last long in bed. From taking 'buran tashi' to using all sorts of techniques, some guys will do just about anything to please in the sack. Unfortunately, all they succeed in doing is masking a serious problem - premature ejaculation (PE).

PE is estimated to affect between 3% and 30% of men. In more specific terms, PE occurs when a man ejaculates before he and his partner wish it to happen. That time frame can vary depending on the couple, but many definitions use one to two minutes as a guideline.

Unfortunately, PE can make men quite insecure. They may feel ashamed and awkward. They may fear being ridiculed or perceived as inexperienced, too eager, or lacking self-control.

Many men with PE are too embarrassed to seek help and too distressed to discuss the situation with a partner. Some guys avoid relationships because they're afraid of a partner's response.

But a study from last year could put men’s minds at ease.

In January 2013, the Archives of Sexual Behavior in the US published a study that involved 461 men with PE and 80 partners. Using an online questionnaire, the researchers surveyed the participants about their experiences with PE, their levels of distress over it, and their sexual satisfaction.

The researchers found that the men were more distressed about PE than their partners were. The men also tended to think their partners were more distressed and dissatisfied than they actually were.

So men with PE can relax a little. But that doesn’t mean that PE isn’t a problem.

What can be done?

Here are some tips. Keep in mind that involving your partner with your treatment decisions can be helpful. Work together as a team.

• See a doctor. PE can be treated. Sex therapy can help men better understand PE and the reasons behind it. Therapists can also suggest ways to develop ejaculatory control. They might assign “homework” – the kind that you would like. Drug therapy may be another option. Topical medications, applied to penis before sex, can desensitize the penis – not so much you won’t feel sexual sensations, but just enough to put off ejaculation for a bit. Other drugs are taken in pill form and work on brain mechanisms associated with ejaculation. If you decide to take medication for PE, be sure to do so under a doctor’s care. Only a qualified physician can prescribe the appropriate medication for you.

• Talk to your partner. It’s very possible that your partner is not bothered by your PE, or at least not as much as you think. Be open and honest. If you feel inadequate, say so. Chances are, your partner will reassure you. And remember, your partner is there to have a pleasurable sexual experience with you. Ejaculation is just one part of that experience. Don’t be afraid to discuss PE with a new partner. Sharing your feelings can go a long way in building trust and you might find yourself more relaxed, leading to a better experience for both of you.

• Remember that PE is subjective. Every couple is different. There’s no definitive time frame for ejaculation and no reason to compare yourself to others. No matter when a man ejaculates, if both partners are satisfied, there’s no problem.

What do you think? Have you or your partner experienced premature ejaculation? How did you feel about it? Did it affect your relationship? Feel free to tell us your story in the comments.

Exercise and Men’s Sexual Health

Men, how much do you exercise? Every day? Twice a week? When the mood strikes you? Rarely?

Would you be inspired to exercise more if I told you it could improve your sex life?

Now before you run off to the gym, let’s talk about some of the reasons exercise is good for sex and the types of exercise that can help men the most.

Here are some of the ways:

· Better overall health. Combined with other healthy lifestyle habits like eating well, getting enough rest, and not smoking, exercise keeps our bodies in good shape overall. In turn, this helps us avoid medical conditions that can interfere with sex, such as obesity, diabetes, heart disease.

· Better blood flow. Exercise keeps your blood pumping and your circulatory system strong. This is especially important for erections, since firmness depends on good blood flow to the penis.

· Increased testosterone. Some types of exercise, such as weight lifting, has been found to raise testosterone levels. Testosterone is an important male sex hormone and plays a role in sex drive and erections.

· Stamina and endurance. Have you ever exhausted yourself during sex to the point that you couldn’t continue? Getting more exercise might improve your stamina so that you can keep going.

· Flexibility. Exercise helps you move freely with less pain. This can be a plus when you and your partner are trying different positions.

· Improved self-esteem. When you’re fit and looking good, your confidence builds, allowing you to feel more relaxed in the bedroom.

· Less depression and anxiety. Many sexual issues, like lack of desire, stem from depression and anxiety. Exercise may improve your mood. In addition, the endorphins released through exercise can calm us down and give us a sense of well-being.

· Togetherness. Exercising together could help you bond with your partner.

· Higher sperm count. If you and your partner are trying to conceive, increased exercise might increase your sperm count.

Types of Exercise

Just about any type of exercise can help. But the following types of exercise could be especially beneficial for your sexual health:

·         Weight-lifting

·         Push-ups

·         Sit-ups

·         Crunches ( different from sit-ups)

·         Swimming

·         Brisk walking or running

·         Dancing (not club dancing)

Release Yourself From The Grip Of Sexual Impotence

Both men and women may suffer from impotence at some point in their lives. For men it may take the form of an inability to have an erection or sustain one, or to be able to ejaculate. Women may experience a lack of libido/sex drive, declining interest in sex or pain during sex. At any point a man or woman may be unable to achieve orgasm.

Impotence may cause anxiety about sex, lack of self-esteem and much frustration to oneself and another that you are sexually involved with. Getting help for impotence is the start to identifying the cause of impotence and treatment for a healthier sex life.

Steps to getting help for impotence

There are four basic steps to getting help for impotence that include:

• Acknowledging that you are suffering from impotence
• Talk with a professional about impotence
• Be willing to have assessment or evaluation to identify the cause of impotence
• Engage in treatment options for impotence to improve sexual experience

Acknowledge the problem

The hardest part for some people is acknowledging that they are suffering from impotence. Many men in our society would publicly accede to having a sex-related deficiency over their dead bodies. But without accepting the problem you can not find a solution. An inability to perform sexually may lower self-esteem and cause relationship conflicts. By accepting that help is needed, you may move a step closer to peace of mind and better sexual health.

Talk with a professional

Health professionals listen with empathy, maintain confidentiality and make referrals for assessment to identify the cause of impotence.

Identify the cause of impotence

The causes of impotence vary and may be physical, psychological or both. By being professional assessed by a health practitioner who specialises in impotence may the cause of impotence be identified for proper treatment.

Engage in treatment options

Once the cause of impotence is identified, the right treatment may be provided for greater sexual satisfaction. There are choices in treatments that include counselling, medication and devices.

When Sex is Painful Part 2

Yesterday we talked about painful sex and its causes in women. But what about men? Men can also experience pain during sex.  However, few men are willing to report to a medical facility for dyspareunia.
The cause of dyspareunia in men is usually physical, but in some cases it may be psychological. Pain occurring in the penis during intercourse may be accompanied by a burning sensation both during and after ejaculation.
Several things can cause a man pain during sex, the most common of which are

1. Infection of:
    -genitals
    -prostate gland
    -urethra (the tube through which urine and semen pass out of the body).
These infections are usually transmitted through unprotected sexual intercourse, and friction on the penis during sex can aggravate the pain.

2. Inadequate Lubrication - I think this is self-explanatory.

3. Balanitis - inflammation of the 'head' of the penis, which can be caused by infection or physical trauma.

4. Prostatitis - inflammation of the prostate gland, in which case the person has pain on ejaculation.

Other causes could be allergic reactions to condoms, abnormal shape of penis when erect and a tight foreskin.
In most of these scenarios the first step would be to see your doctor. Many STDs and STIs can have long term effects, so the sooner you get treatment, the better. Do not attempt self medication as this usually leads to bigger problems. Also, remember to get your partner treated.

When Sex is Painful

This is also known as dyspareunia, and is felt in the pelvis during or after sexual intercourse. It is more common in, but not limited to, women. But in this article we will discuss about painful sex in women. Nobody really knows exactly how common dyspareunia is, as many women  in our environment never seek medical  help. It is estimated that somewhere between 1 and 4 out of 10 women experience it. Most commonly, this is early in their sexual lives and around the menopause.

There are many causes of dyspareunia, most of which are not serious or damaging in nature, but all can be detrimental to your sex life and ultimately may lead to relationship difficulties. It can be a vicious cycle, with pain leading to nervousness about sex (intercourse), and nervousness leading to dryness and further pain.

It's also not uncommon for dyspareunia to remain after the cause has been treated, particularly if things have been left untreated for a while. For this reason, it is important to seek help early, so that treatable causes can be discovered and managed. 

In this article we will talk about the main causes of painful sex:

1. Vaginal Trauma

The vagina is pretty flexible and strong and usually recovers well from the stretch and (sometimes) small tears of childbirth. However, more significant trauma to the vagina - for example, from traumatic childbirth or mutilation - can lead to scarring, and then to pain and difficulty during sex (intercourse).

2. Vaginal or genital infection

Infections of the vagina and the area around it cause inflammation of the tissues and so commonly cause pain on having sex. Infection may be with thrush (candida - a yeast that often lives in the bowel), with viruses such as herpes, and with germs (bacteria). A wide range of bacterial infections can infect the vagina. Some (but by no means all) are sexually transmitted. The vagina is not always sore and itchy before sex, but can remain so afterwards. There is often a coloured discharge and you may notice an offensive smell.

3. Female genital mutilation

Female genital mutilation, also referred to as female circumcision, still occurs in Nigeria and involves varying degrees of mutilating surgery to the external genitalia of a woman. In the more extreme forms, the vagina is stitched shut. Following genital mutilation there is usually permanent scarring, which may lead to damaged nerves and pain. Any of these issues can cause pain on penetration and may make sex impossible.

4. Vaginal abnormalities

Very rarely, abnormalities of the vagina itself make sex painful or even impossible. These include pieces of extra tissue inside the vagina which are present at birth.

5. Intact hymen

The hymen is a membrane that lines the vaginal opening. Early in your sex life the hymen is broken down by the act of having sex. In many young women it will already have been stretched by use of tampons. The name is misleading, as the hymen does in fact have a small hole in it from birth. This hole gets larger little by little as girls grow older. However, the hymen can be quite thick and the hole not quite large enough. This can mean that early in her sexual life a woman my feel pain from the hymen as it is forced open the first time she has intercourse. The pain is superficial, felt at the entrance to the vagina as soon as penetration is attempted, and may prevent it from taking place.

6. Vaginismus

Vaginismus is a powerful and often painful contraction of the muscles around the entrance to the vagina (the pubococcygeal muscles), which makes penetration painful or impossible. It may also prevent the use of tampons and any sort of gynaecological examination. The spasm of vaginismus is not something you can cause deliberately; it's completely outside your control. It may seem to begin for no reason, but can also result from a painful or worrying experience of sex, when it becomes a kind of protective reflex. However, vaginismus is upsetting and dispiriting for both halves of a couple, as it can prevent the enjoyment of sex for many years, and can prevent sex completely. Once it has begun, fear of failure and nervousness about not being able to have sex make it worse. It's important to seek help to break the cycle of anxiety and pain.

And there you have it. The most common causes of pain during sex in women. In our next article we will discuss the treatments for painful sex in women and painful sex in men.